Article for January 2004: Do You Still Think I'm
Sexy? Spousal Abuse
Whether you are male or female you will want to read this
article. Especially if you are an abuser, potential abuser, accused as an
abuser, victim, feigned victim or using the domestic violence laws to get even
with your spouse or significant other. That's right, there are more
categories than just abuser and victim. Sometimes the difference between the
victim and the perpetrator is who dialed the phone first.
This is one of
those situations where it is so easy to make the accusation and so difficult to
defend against an allegation of abuse. Although many judges are beginning to
realize that this area of law is being abused by false accusations of abuse for
a multitude of reasons, the least of which is to ease their way out of a bad
relationship and prevent the ex-domestic partner from having contact with their kids.
While this kind of abuse of the system is unforgivable, one has to know that it
is on the rise.
Despite this
systemic abuse, many women seem to be incapable of recognizing genuine domestic
violence when it occurs in their own lives. In fact there are many
families where domestic violence is literally a way of life. Sometimes it is
very difficult to distinguish between the victim and perpetrator. The roles can
actually shift.
In transactional
analysis there is a scenario where there are three different roles. The victim,
the perpetrator and the rescuer. The interesting part to this triad is that the
roles can shift back and forth. For example, the rescuer can easily become
the perpetrator and vice versa. While the victim tends to remain a victim, on
occasion they seem to be able to slip into the role of perpetrator as well.
Obviously it is almost impossible for them to play the role of rescuer, unless
they have punished the perpetrator and then attempt to rescue them from the
rescuer when they were in the perpetrator role.
Are you all
thoroughly confused? Probably not. You see in real life you would probably
recognize the shifting of roles by the players, especially if it is played out
in your own family. I'm sure that you have seen situations where the victim will
act sometimes as a victim, then turn around and be a worse perpetrator than
their original tormentor. Then still later rescue the tormentor, thereby
becoming the rescuer.
You know the
drill, Sue is being abused by Frank, who is lower than pond scum. John, a knight
in shinning armor and all around nice guy, tries to get Sue to leave this abusive relationship and go
with him. The problem is that John is a good guy, and Sue is allergic to
nice guys, so she isn't interested. No one who knows her can figure it out,
especially John. So what is the answer to this conundrum?
The answer is that in many cases this so-called abuse
is simply a dangerous game. Having a worthwhile guy might require work,
and Sue wants no part of that. Besides, the players involved need the game and
love it. Although, if you confronted them on this point, they would
violently disagree. These games can go along for years, with varying levels of
violence until one of the players or a neighbor ratchets up the stakes by
calling the police.
In the old days,
the cops would talk to the abuser and threaten him with jail, if he didn't
straighten up and fly right. If they did arrest the abuser, the accuser would
usually refuse to testify and the D.A. would have to throw the case out. That is
no longer the case. Today when the police come to your house on a domestic
violence case, someone is going to jail. They no longer counsel the
victims and beg them to prosecute, they arrest each and every one of the
persons that were a participant in the acts of violence. This can result in
both parents being arrested and the children being placed in protective custody.
This is no joke.
Our game players are suddenly placed into the situation where one or both
breadwinners are in jail, usually on high bails, charged with serious felonies.
Not to mention that the children are in foster care or in the care of a friend
or family member. This is not a game. Although I don't think the
solution that the politicians picked addresses the problem any better.
FOR THE LADIES:
If your boyfriend, significant other
or husband is genuinely violent in any way, shape, or form, leave him as
fast as you legs will carry you. Don't think about it. Don't worry what others
will think, just run. If you don't then don't be surprised when you get you ass
kicked in front of the children or worse when he beats the kids. Violence is not
cute, curable or something that he will grow out of. A violent man was born
violent and will die that way. Living with him is like having a rattlesnake in
the house. Eventually he will bite you and just like the snake, the abuser will
strike you when you least expect it. You cannot cure this affliction ever.
You must accept this premise and get away and never go back.
A mama bear instinctively knows when the male poses a threat to her cubs and will fight like
the devil to protect her cubs. A human mama will debate about what others will
think, debate if he is really dangerous, and debate if he will do it again. All
the while she will let him back into her home and place her children in
jeopardy. She will do this as if it was the most normal of decisions. I find it
amazing that the smartest animal ever to inhabit the planet can put a man on the
moon, but doesn't have the sense to know danger when it presents itself.
In fact many women think
that if they take him back after he gets out of jail, they are in control. Sorry
to disappoint you, but you are not in control. If you delude yourself into
imagining that you can control this situation, do yourself a favor and let
someone else raise your kids. because if you don't then you will be
responsible for raising another generation of abusers or you will place your children at risk
of death or harm. I have personally talked to many otherwise rational women, who
cannot see the danger. They look at him and see the love of their life, they do
not see the Angel of Death standing before them.
They stretch
credulity in a misguided effort to try and find some good in these monsters.
They are actually impressed when he asks them for a picture of the kids for his cell.
What they should be feeling is fear, shame and terror. Instead they feel giggly when he asks
them for their picture.
These are just ploys to get back with you. I cannot tell you how many
women, I have heard say "well he is the children's father and he
has a right." What kind of logic is that? He
is not a father, he is a sperm donor and that is all. Get over it.
Anyone that would
take an abuser back into their home is asking for a disaster. Because you feel
flattered, you are willing to trade your children's security so that you can
feel wanted? How pathetic. Are you really worth so little, that you think
that no one but this
loser wants you?
The horror stories
of men who have killed their wives and children are in the news almost everyday.
Women have to take the lead in preventing abuse. The easiest way to do this is
to pick good men for life partners to begin with. If you drink or abuse drugs, hang out
in bars and are basically a slut, you are probably not likely to meet a good
man. If you are not a worthwhile woman, you are not likely to meet a worthwhile
man. That is not to say that such a woman deserves to be abused, because she
doesn't. What you need to do is to change your standards and your life. If you
do, you can and will improve your life.
If you don't you
will probably find yourself going from one loser to another. Not to mention
cranking out one kid after another. It's as if you want to collect
the entire set as a remembrance of your lovely relationships. To a woman
who is with an abuser, a child is a ball and chain that ties you to him. Do not
delude yourself, if you have a child every year or two, there is no way in hell
that you are going to be able to amount to anything. You just make excuses to
everyone as to why you stay while subjecting them to endless tales of his abuse.
Eventually they fade out of your life.
When he gets
arrested, you bail him out. Why? Because you are afraid of what he will do to
you when he gets out. Perhaps, it is because he works on occasion and Lord
knows you don't want to get off your lazy ass and work. That would be too
reasonable and normal. So you hit up everyone you know for his bail. You
can't wait for him to get home, then you can have some unprotected sex,
risk pregnancy and venereal disease. What a life.
What you need to
know is that you do not have a right to put your own selfish desires ahead of
your children's safety. The fact that you stupidly decided to have children with
a loser doesn't give you the right to place them in danger so you can say that
you have a "man". If you want to stay with
the abuser that is your choice, just let someone responsible raise your kids
until you come to your senses.
FOR THE GUYS:
Now let's look at the male of the species. Men are
really dumb. Especially when it comes to domestic violence. For men the usual
scenario happens when they have overstayed their welcome and their ladies want
him to move along. If he is slow on the uptake and doesn't get the message, she
usually clarifies things when she calls the cops and makes up a rather
convincing tale of how abusive he is to her. Things become increasingly clearer,
when he is arrested and transported to jail. It is even clearer when he wakes up
to find that he is being charged with one or more felonies and is being held on
$50,000.00 bail, which means he will not be at work in the morning. Instead he
will be in Court for his arraignment.
About this time he
is beginning to get the picture. He wasn't as smart as he thought. Did I mention
that men are dumb? Well they are also lazy and don't like change. If they can
have their basic creature comforts met, they will put up with quite a bit. The
fact that their spouse is sending messages for them to move on, are entirely
ignored. This is not by accident, it is by design.
Any time you meet
a woman and she wants to have a lot of unprotected sex right off the bat, you
should be suspicious. You should also take steps to protect yourself from an
unwanted pregnancy. If you don't, more likely than not there will be an "oops"
and you will be a dad. Many of these women make their living doing this. They
collect child support from several men and usually can live quite well. When one
child is nearing time to get off welfare, out pops a new one and we continue on
as if nothing has happened. Next thing you know child support services is
knocking at you door for money.
When you are
dating someone that you really don't know try to engage them in
conversation rather than bedroom activities. Listen very carefully to their
stories. Pay attention to whether the other "Dads" visit their kids or even
call. Listen to what she says about them. Especially if she regales you with
stories as to how she really screwed them over. If you learn to think with
the big head, you will soon notice that many women will tell you in great detail
how they intend to handle you when it is time to go. And believe me there will
come a time when that happens. These types of women do not want you around after
you have served your purpose.
Do I have to tell you what that purpose is? Because if I do, click off the
internet and shutdown you computer, run, don't walk, out to your car and start
driving. While you are driving take out your cell phone and call your doctor for
an emergency appointment to come in for an emergency vasectomy. If you were a
dog, we would just have you neutered because you are too stupid to be around
fertile women with the ability to ejaculate sperm. Sorry but it's for your own
good. We have to protect you.
CONCLUSION:
Is there any doubt in your mind that
the man has been abused as much as the woman has? Probably not, although I'll
bet you wouldn't have said so before reading this article. The public has a
perception of men as monsters, abusers and predators. Even many of the police
officers view men the same way. Calls for help placed by men many times will
result in the man being arrested. This is because there is a tendency to
disbelieve men and automatically believe women. As long as this perception is
allowed to continue, men will always be second class citizens.
Now lets review
what a finding of abuse means to a man. Under F.C.§3044 he
will be prevented from having joint legal or physical custody with his own
children. His actual visitation will be restricted to monitored visitation on an
occasional basis. The basis that a judge may use to impose this harsh punishment
is undefined. The judge has almost unfettered discretion to use whatever he or
she feels is appropriate as a standard. The Defendant is allowed to rebut the
accusation, but the reality is that rebutting something like this is as hard as
Michael Jackson proving that he is innocent, despite the allegations, that he
had a inappropriate relationship with young boys. In both cases the allegation
itself is enough to raise a presumption of guilt. You are going to be presumed
guilty and most of what you say will be disregarded. This is the reality as it
exists today.
We need the legislature to review this entire area with an eye to leveling the
playing field. Given the importance of such a finding, I would suggest
that such matters be submitted to a jury and not left to the discretion of a
judge. By the way, did you know that in certain circumstances you can request
a jury in a family law case? Well you can. Although if you do so, I guarantee that you will instantly
piss off the judge and the entire court infrastructure. If you think I am
kidding you do the following: Go into any family law court in Los Angeles or any
other county and see if you can find a jury box in a family law courtroom. You probably will not. The
reason I say probably, is because I have not been to every courthouse in the
State of California and some obscure courthouse may in fact have a jury box. But
absent that anomaly, what I say is true.
The other problem is that a jury can only be requested for a trial and not for
an OSC hearing. The reason for this is that the OSC is a Pendente Lite
(pending trial) procedure. Another way to think of it is that an OSC is usually
for temporary orders while a trial is for a permanent order. In either event, if
you are facing a custody trial and are falsely charged with abuse of any kind, I
would consider utilizing a jury over a judge. Be advised that this is
considerably more expensive and has its own drawbacks. Be sure to check with a
competent Family Law Attorney before requesting a jury trial.
If you get hammered at the OSC Hearing or at the Trial, your next
best option is to file a direct appeal. This may or may not work for a variety
of reasons, the least of which is that it is a slow process and very expensive.
As you can see there are virtually no quick, easy and cheap ways to handle this
situation.
Your best bet is not to get into this situation to begin
with. When you meet someone that you like or are physically attracted to, you
owe it to yourself to get to know her before you ever engage in unprotected sex
with her. I don't care what she tells you about protection not being necessary,
that will not be a good defense if she gets pregnant. In fact, I wouldn't have
unprotected sex even if she tells you not to worry because if she gets pregnant,
she'll get an abortion. The reality is that you have no guarantees, and the law
is not going to compel her to get an abortion or place the child up for
adoption. It just isn't going to happen.
You should also be advised that if your are guilty of physical or emotional
abuse and are convicted in Criminal Court, you are going to face very stringent
repercussions. You will be sentenced to jail, possibly formal probation, for
sure summary probation for three years, a 52 week batterers program, anger
management (not the movie), a hefty fine, possibly Caltrans or other community
service, and formal counseling. Your visitation with your children will
most likely be monitored by a professional monitor which can cost you up to
$30.00 per hour. You will surrender your guns and will be unable to possess any
firearms for at least 10 years.
The conviction is also priorable, which means that if you get a subsequent
similar violation the prior conviction will be used to enhance your penalty in
the second case. If you are on probation in the first case, you will pick up a
probation violation in the first case. This means you will be sentenced in
both cases to additional jail time and other penalties. You need to give
this prospect a great deal of thought before you get involved with someone that
has had this type of problems before.
Whether you are male or female this is not a game that
you want to be involved with. I truly believe that each person wants to be in a
good relationship. A good relationship by definition has no room for violence,
abuse or game playing. If you do not believe this then I would suggest that you
not engage in high risk activity that could lead to you being a parent or an
inmate.
No one should become a parent unless they are in a committed relationship (read
marriage), you both want children and you both are totally committed to being
good parents and good role models, then get married. Before you have a sexual
encounter with someone, you should assume that the encounter will result in the
conception of a child. If you don't want a child, especially with that person,
then you shouldn't have sex with them. It is that simple. Birth control can
fail, so every time that you have sex with someone, the possibility exists that
a conception could occur.
Finally, the prevention of abuse doesn't start and end with putting a condom on
your penis. If you could only put a condom on your mind to prevent you from
making the terrible choices that I see many of you make, that would be a
solution. But the reality is that it isn't. Prevention of abuse can be best
summed up by taking very simple steps. Use computer number one: that thing
you carry around on your shoulders. Your brain.
Talk to the person that you want to date. Listen to the stories that they are
telling you. Evaluate the likelihood of truthfulness in their stories. If you
hear stories of violence, abuse and/or problems with their previous
relationships, I would be very wary of this person. You have no way of verifying
their stories. Watch and see if their prior husbands, guys or significant
others actually visit their children. If they don't visit, inquire why they don't.
Check, recheck and check again. Observe their children and how they treat
them. If the older ones are watching the younger ones, be careful. Are they
collecting support for multiple relationships? If they are that tells you
something about them.
You should spend a great deal of time talking and no time in the bedroom. Learn
to watch and listen. That is the best advice I can give you. If you are a
quality person and demand quality from others, then you will have the best
chance at success. If you demand nothing, and substitute sex for quality then
you will get neither and you deserve what you get. After all you have no one to
blame but yourself.
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