TOPIC FOR NOVEMBER'S ARTICLE:
SCUMMY MEN AND THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM
A good friend of
mine called me the other day and presented me with a family law problem that I
see afflict many of my female clients. The problem is best defined as
"what do you do when someone that you love has betrayed your trust?"
Typically I will get a call from someone in tears, out of their mind with grief,
asking for help and information. When I get through the tears, I usually find that
what they really want is for me to tell them how they can best restore the trust
that their beloved has destroyed.
Unfortunately there really isn't
a good answer to that question. The truth is that once the trust has been
destroyed, it is almost impossible to rebuild. It doesn't matter if your beloved has
had an affair, stolen or lied about your money, used drugs or molested your
son or daughter. Once the trust is gone, it's gone. You can never trust
that person again. I realize that this is not what most people want to hear, but
it is the truth.
If you are
involved in a relationship with a man like this, then you should ask
yourself the following question: Would you trust a thief who broke into your house and
stole your money? Not a chance. Then why would you trust someone, who is suppose
to be your best friend, who does the same thing? You can't. Those who chose to
ignore this reality usually live to regret their unwise decision. Let's examine
why this is so.
Typically the
client that presents this problem is a female. It is not unusual for her to have
low self esteem following a failed marriage and/or a series of failed
relationships. These relationships may also include affairs that went nowhere.
She may feel unworthy of a real relationship. She may also disguise these
feelings of inadequacy by trying to be different, outside the norm, special or
even a rebel. Intelligence plays virtually no part in making these types of
decisions. Being a Rhodes scholar has no relationship to common sense, nor is it
a guarantee that you won't take up with a
bum.
The male she is
attracted to is typically what some women would describe as a "bad
boy," although others would probably call him a "scumbag." He is usually described by the
victim as "extremely
macho, charming, debonair, attentive and a good listener who is really
interested in me." Although others would probably describe his
behavior as controlling and abusive. It is quite common for the male to be living with
someone else, a friend, family member or maybe his wife or even his most
recent
girlfriend. But even this will not deter our woman from having a
relationship with him.
Typically he
claims to be
financially embarrassed as a result of a prior relationship for which he takes no
personal responsibility. He was the victim and is so honorable in addressing that
situation, that he has virtually no money left to even live on. His credit
is in shambles, his wages garnished, he's isolated by his children, a basically
good man struggling to make ends meet, victimized by that "no good bitch".
He will claim that
she has
reduced him to staying with understanding friends who are trying to
help help him get back on his feet. While part of this tale may sound plausible, the details usually
don't make any sense. He probably has some sort of job, which may very from
the very menial up to an including positions of importance. It
serves to give
credibility to his stories. Besides, he has a job, so how bad could
he possibly be? A working man is certainly not a flake or so we have been led
to believe.
Despite the
factual inconsistency, he relies on his
charming demeanor to fill in the gaps. The female usually accepts his
stories at face value and make no attempt to verify any of the facts. The
reason for this is that she is so enraptured by the
attention he plies on her, that she wants to believe him. In fact,
she has to believe him. It is not unusual for the
man to profess to be a church going, God fearing Christian, although this is not always the
case. He may also belong to some group which likes to sing, dance or do
some sort of social work. He may engage in some type
of organized social setting involving few men and many women. He may also be a coworker of
the female. Usually there will be some common activity which allows the male to interact
with his victims. His purpose for belonging to these groups is to attract females
and disarm their natural defenses.
Usually they will marry quickly following a whirlwind
courtship which may be as short as a few months. While appearing to go
along with her desires, he is the one who is rapidly moving the marriage
process along. They will usually tell friends that their eyes met and they
fell instantly in love. It was fate and they are inseparable. The real reason
for such haste to marry is because he cannot keep the thin veneer of civility
going for too long. As we will soon see, his charm and demeanor isn't
real. He merely uses it to gain access to what he is really after. What is
hardest for most woman to understand is that everything about him is calculated
for the purpose of separating you from your money.
In any event, at
some point after the wedding, he will usually suggest a sharing of
their efforts. He typically offers to relieve his new wife of the burden
of taking care of the finances. He will usually espouse traditional family
values as a reason for doing this. He will most likely forcefully state
that he doesn't want a handout or to take anything from a woman. He's too proud
for that.
He claims that since he is the man, he will work and manage the finances.
She will stay home and take care of the house, just like his sainted
mother did. I am really surprised at how many women fall for this line but
they do. Many times to their own financial detriment.
By now he has
her trust and complete access to her finances. He has learned her account numbers, social
security number, pin numbers and passwords. She usually gladly divulges the
information because "he is helping relieve her of the burden of going
to the bank" he'll do it all for her. From this point on she is "a sheep to be shorn"
at his convenience. If nothing else, these
guys are usually patient. They usually wait for a little while until they dip into the
till.
It usually starts
by using a financial method that is relatively hard to discover and easily explained away
if accidentally uncovered by the victim. After all, most people would notice
if several large transactions were taken out of their checking or savings
accounts. So he tends to use ATM'S or take cash advances on credit cards. If
he is discovered, he will claim that she must have simply forgotten
an ATM withdrawal. He will scold her and say that she should be more
careful. He may even tell her that she should be glad to have someone like him
around to help take care of her. He will usually remind her to tell him
the next time she makes a similar purchase so that he can write it down in
their check book. It all sounds so plausible that she believes it.
He will flatter
her or otherwise divert her attention off of this situation and on to how lovely
she looks or some other vacuous comment designed to distract her. He may
even point out that he doesn't have access to that card or account, so it had to
be her. He conveniently leaves out the part where he learned her pin number,
which together with her account number and some additional personal information
will give him complete access to literally everything that she owns. Over the
course of time he will adopt her identity. You could call this "consensual
identity theft" because that is what it really is. When one
credit card is exhausted, he will get another and another. All on her credit,
without her consent and knowledge. He may have a P.O. Box
where he has the statements sent or they will go to a friends house. Anywhere
but to their home.
He may also try
other schemes to see how far he can go and which one works best. He may
try and get her to refinance a house that she owns. He may try and get her to
sell her house and purchase one in both of their names so that they can "have a new start to building their own memories together."
In certain situations this may even have the effect of transmuting her
separate property into community property, however this is fairly rare.
Most men are not willing to try and get their ill gotten loot in court. It takes
too long, costs too much and it isn't a sure thing.
He would rather
use more insidious methods. He may even remind her of how her ungrateful
children never call or see her anyway. He may also remind her that they
are nothing but vampires sucking her financial life's blood. It's time for her
to enjoy the good life. Just in case that
doesn't work he assures her that in the event of her death, he will be sure that
her kids are taken care of. Oh yeah, you can just bet that he'll take care
of them all right. You may wonder why he is doing all this.
The reason for the
effort is as simple as it is insidious. There are really two reasons for
doing this. One is that during the course of buying and selling properties,
monies are simply siphoned off to purchase things that he may want. By
this time, the woman is usually still very happy and quite pleased to reward his
efforts, by letting him purchase a few goodies "for our home."
However all is not as it seems and in confusion there is profit to be
made.
Second, the
purchases are used as a mask to screen other transactions that are going on in
the background. If you have ever set up a household, then you know that it
usually takes some time to accomplish. You usually end up going to various malls
many times to shop for
these things. While you are at the mall, you also make impulse purchases and
take draws of cash from ATM'S to buy these things. These innocuous transactions
are the screen.
The reason for
this ploy is that ATM transactions are usually labeled by the bank as "cash
advances." It usually doesn't tell her what the advance was for. He will
usually convince her that she took an advance while they were out shopping
together buying stuff for their house. While she may look askance at the
bill, she quickly dismisses it as a momentary lapse of memory on her part. After
all, the alternative is unthinkable. So she dismisses it out of hand and as time
goes on he has more and more control and she is less and less involved.
You have to understand that this is a psychological game for which he is well
suited and she is not.
I have had women tell me that they thought that they
were losing their minds. They thought that they were forgetting everything to do
with their finances. They were so frightened that they didn't know what
they were going to do. Want to know the funny part? They were also
grateful he was there to help them out. Obviously by this point the stage
is completely set for him to start reaping the fruits of his labor.
Now we get to the
real nuts and bolts of the situation. What does he really want? Why is he doing
this? The answer to these questions are very simple. He usually has some form of addiction.
It may be gambling, drinking, drugs, other women, prostitutes, child molestation, stealing,
fencing stolen merchandise, dealing drugs, violence, bank and credit card fraud
and much, much more.
Which explains why
he usually doesn't own anything of value when she first met him.
Anything of value that comes his way is used to support his addiction. The rest
is window dressing designed expressly for the purpose of separating her from
her money.
I'm sure that you
have heard the old saying that refers to gambling addicts, it goes "one dollar is too much and one million dollars
isn't enough." Well it's true. They literally will spend "everything,"
repeat "everything" that
she has or ever
hopes of having on his addiction. She also must understand that
he was born an addict and he will die an addict. Despite what he will promise, she
must understand that he will never permanently change.
Real change of any
kind in addicts is very rare. The vast majority of addicts re-offend on a
regular basis. Most of their women simply refuse to believe this, they are what
I call "hope-a-holics." A hope-a-holic is a person addicted to hoping
that he will change and become the person she fell in love with. What she
doesn't understand is that the "person" she fell in love with
doesn't really exist. Never did, he was a figment of her fertile imaginations.
If she keeps hoping, then she will continue being victimized by him. It is that simple.
By this point in
time, he can drop some of his subterfuge because it isn't necessary. You
have to remember he is a parasite and she is the host. If he is careless, he
kills off the host, so it is in his best interests for her not to become alarmed at
anything that he does. This is fairly easy to do because by now he pays the
bills. Although he has to be a little more careful with the cash accounts.
It's too hard to explain if money is unaccounted for or if recurring bills go
unpaid.
He doesn't want
creditors calling the house and asking her why such and such a bill wasn't paid.
So instead of raiding the cash accounts, he usually uses credit cards for cash
advances. For awhile he keeps things under control by paying the minimum amount
each month. For awhile he pulls it off. This may go on for several years before
it is finally discovered. But there is a fly in the ointment: his addiction.
He must obey its
siren call and he does again and again. Depending on what the addiction de jour
is, he may spend money at a prodigious rate. Drug usage and gambling will
deplete credit cards rather quickly. Although it really doesn't matter what the
addiction is, the money will be siphoned off the card, into his pocket and
through his fingers.
Another thing
that you must know is that he is very clever in how he carries out his
addiction. He may use the mail, the internet, or he may
not even actually do any of the activities himself. He may have an accomplice do some of the activities that
she would quickly discover. For example, she would probably become suspicious if
he went to the track everyday. Not to mention he would find it hard to
carry it off and work each day. So he may rely on a pickup or delivery man who
works for him or with him to actually place the bets while doing their route. He
is usually very clever.
The reality is
that he engages in high risk activity that not only puts them both at risk, it
places his accomplice at risk too. Just because she cannot figure out how he
does it, doesn't mean that he is not doing something wrong. If he is visiting prostitutes it should be very obvious what
type of risk she may be facing. What she must understand is that his high risk
activity may kill her. She may learn that she has AIDS or a STD from her
doctor, his girlfriend or even a boyfriend.
Discovery is
usually the result of a serendipitous act. For example, she is out with
girlfriends and uses a credit card to pay for lunch and the card is declined for
being over limit. Her first feeling is one of embarrassment. This has to be a
mistake, after all she has a $5,000.00 or $10,000.00 limit on her card.
She calls the credit card company and discovers that her card is maxed out. Not to
mention that she is behind on the payment. She may also find out by a phone call from a
girlfriend or boyfriend of his asking for money or wanting to get even with him.
She may get a phone call from a police agency, taxing authority or an attorney.
She may
even be sued.
Now comes the moment of truth. she confronts him and for this performance he
should get the academy award. Since this is not the first time that he has
been through this little scenario, he is like a well oiled machine.
I was actually shocked to learn that they usually don't lie about their
activities either. Instead they confess their foul deeds and admit everything.
They pour their hearts out, explaining the devil that they have been
struggling with and how they have tried to handle it by themselves, but alas
they have failed. Now that the truth is out in the open, maybe she will give him
a second chance and together the two of them can beat this thing.
After all he loves her and promises that he will never do it again, if she will
only give him a second chance.
A few tears, some
hand wringing and appropriate sorrowful looks will usually do the trick.
You can be sure that he will pull out the stops and do whatever will float her
boat to get her to forgive him. She can also rest assured this is
not the first time he has played out this little scene, nor will it be the last.
In discussing these individuals with their female victims, I have noticed that
it is very common for women to describe him as being one way while they dated
and completely changing later on in the relationship, after he got control of
the money and didn't have to think about them anymore. If they think about it,
they will usually admit that they were so impressed with his demeanor that they
never even looked for any negative qualities. This is the real crux of the
problem.
What doesn't make sense to the women is why these guys
would do this to them. The real answer is that underlying their thin veneer of
civility and suave demeanor, lies the black heart of a criminal. These
guys don't love these women or anyone else but themselves. They are predators
who prey on lonely women with some money. Not millionaires, just ordinary women
who through hard work managed to put a few bucks away for a rainy day.
They rely on her kindness and love for them to blind her to their true natures.
Unfortunately I
have to report that this is usually not the last time this will happen to this
woman. She will usually make his life miserable for awhile, but in the end he
will worm himself right back in. He will make promises on top of promises. He
will resume courting her all over again. He will bring flowers, candy, trips,
expensive dinners and sex. He will suggest that she refinance the house (her
house) to pay off the credit cards. And she will do it because it makes sense to
her because she still wants and believes in him. She is a delusional fool.
That is another
vulnerability that the woman usually has. She is practical and handles money
very well, but her feelings of inadequacy prevent her from recognizing this
fact. He backs off and lets her draw the obvious conclusion that he is
overwhelmed and only she can resolve it. As punishment and as an act of
contrition, he voluntarily relinquishes all control over the money. She
brings her practical financial skills to the forefront and starts examining
practical ways of resolving the problem. She resolves his theft of her money,
isn't that rich. What nerve this guy has. Once she does this he is off the hook
and she is really trapped. He now knows that he can really fleece her and he
usually does.
Within a few months the pain passes because she
still has him in her home and in her bed. She hides the credit cards, takes back
the check book, makes the payments and eventually the episode passes off the
radar screen entirely. Everything seems back to normal and she is
happy. The two of them have defeated the beast and she is proud of
herself. She even puts him back in charge of the finances as a show of
solidarity and trust. Unfortunately, this entire sorry episode will replay
itself again within a few months or years. When he does it again, she will
repeat the same response. This may go on for years or until she runs out of
money. Then he leaves and goes on to another victim leaving her with the
wreckage.
I will not tell
you how she will eventually isolate herself from friends and family for this
man. Or how you will turn a deaf ear to friends who warn her to dump this
predator, because she probably wouldn't believe it anyway. Nor will I remind her
of the efforts that she has made to surround herself with people who will tell
her what she wants to hear. Well I am not one of those people.
In fact most of
the women that I wrote this article for will probably click off and go on to
something else because it will really bother them. Good, I want it to bother
you. I want you to know that but for the grace of God this woman could
very well be you or maybe she already is you. I want to be that little voice
inside of your head that keeps you up at night wondering if I just might be
right. Because if I can help one woman extricate herself from such an abusive
situation then I will feel very proud of what I was able to accomplish.
Each of us is
entitled to be happy. In fact the constitution even mentions that we have a
right to the "pursuit of happiness." What I have always
found telling is that our forefathers bequeathed to us the right to "pursue" happiness, they never guaranteed that we would ever
catch
it. We get the opportunity to try and be happy, without guarantees of any kind.
It is up to us as individuals to protect ourselves from predators wherever we
encounter them. There are a very large pool of good men and women out
there looking for someone just like you. But if you are enmeshed with a skunk
like the one we have been discussing, then you are not available for
someone who would really love and care about you. Don't do that to yourself. Be
smart.
As for my friend
the story is unfinished. I don't know what she will do. That is up to her,
I can only give her advice and pray that she doesn't lose even more money than
she already has. This is the second time he has done this to her and it
makes me very angry. I advised her to leave him the first time and she
didn't. She trusted him and gave him another chance. This is how he repaid her
generosity. She's too good a woman to be used and abused like that. I
promise that I will keep my readers informed of her progress and hope that I
will be able to report that she is doing well. To be continued. . . . .
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