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In Memory of 09-11-01
Lest We Forget
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Article for March 2003: How Can We Help
You When You Can't Even Face the Truth?
Once again we are
dealing with one of our favorite themes on this site, which is "How do I know
when it is time to throw in the towel?" You know the problem, you have seen
it and maybe even experienced it yourself. A cheating lover or spouse. You
know that you should leave, but you want to be fair. The fact that he wasn't
fair with them while sleeping with his current floozy is somehow lost on these
women. While this problem isn't necessarily limited to women, the vast
majority of people who suffer this type of self-imposed indecision are women. They drive
their families and girlfriends crazy with questions calculated to confirm their
irrational belief that they shouldn't rush to judgment. After all
"isn't he presumed innocent until proven guilty?" Let me
answer this question. No, he isn't. This isn't a court of law, it is a court of
common sense. Use it.
In case you have
missed these folks, let me tell you how you can identify them. When you tell
them that, "yes, your boyfriend or husband is a scumbag and you should
leave him" they always come back with the seemingly rhetorical question:
"even if he says that he didn't do it?" Or they may frame the
question wistfully by saying "if only he would quit drinking,
everything would be as right as rain?" They are hopeless
"hope-aholics," who left to their own devices, will waste their lives on
their hopeless cause - "him."
They somehow
convince themselves that making a decision based on the evidence before them is
being judgmental and unfair. It makes one wonder, what level of proof do they
need to convince themselves of the obvious facts? They would seemingly prefer
"ignorant bliss" over "reality." These same
"victims" seem incapable of
recognizing what is taking place right in front of their eyes. That gifted
comedian, Richard Pryor, in a piece about cheating, claimed that when he was
caught red-handed by his wife, he retorted, "Who are you going to
believe? Me or your lying eyes." That one line really sums up the
problem in a nutshell. Who are you going to believe? Let's see if we can find
out.
The other day I
had been listening to talk radio, which at the time was set to a local
radio station KFI AM 640. This station carries the shows of such controversial
right wing hosts such as Rush Limbaugh and Dr. Laura Schlessinger. So you can
always count on hearing controversial, provocative and interesting points of
view from almost any of their hosts. In any event, we had just returned from lunch
and
Dr. Laura was holding court. One particular call perked my interest.
Dr. Laura was
listening to a female caller who had a familiar tale of betrayal by her husband, whom
she had been married to for only a few years. They had two small children
together and she had caught him red handed having an extramarital affair with
a co-worker. She told Dr. Laura that she was very angry with her husband,
and while she didn't want to divorce him, she was having great difficulty
dealing with the anger. She said they were in counseling because she wanted to
save the marriage. The caller also related that her husband was
complaining that she couldn't let it go and just move on. There were other
things but this is the gist of their conversation.
Dr. Laura
challenged the caller's belief that she had a "marriage, "
let alone one
worth saving. She based her assessment on the fact that the caller's opinion
seemed to be based upon her desire to delude herself. She pointed out to
the caller that marriage was a covenant between the parties and God, based
upon morality and character. She noted that since the caller's husband was
devoid of character and morals, he most likely wasn't committed to the
marriage. Dr. Laura also confirmed that the caller's anger at her husband was
well placed. She also told her that there was no way to predict if she would
ever stop being angry at her husband, let alone when. His demand that she get
over it was unreasonable.
The caller
switched tactics and claimed that she was distressed as though by
leaving him, she would be giving up something of great value. I believe that it was clear to
the audience that Dr. Laura believed that the caller was deluding herself to the
realities of the situation. As an example, the caller told Dr. Laura that
her husband had only been seeing his co-worker for "only" ten months. Dr. Laura
challenged her belief by pointing out that he was probably lying and could
have been seeing his paramour for years. She had absolutely no way of
verifying the truth of his claims. Not to mention that ten months was a
substantial amount of time.
They
continued the exchange going back and forth. Each time Dr. Laura gave the caller her opinion that
the marriage may not be worth saving, the caller would ask, "even if"
so and so happened? and "even if " such and such
happened?
it was as if she was searching for some glimmer of hope that if Dr. Laura heard
this "even if" statement, she would somehow validate the
caller's very poor decision making skills and give her the outcome that she
desperately desired. What the caller really was asking for was for Dr. Laura to
buy into her self delusion, which she wouldn't do. Dr. Laura made it clear
that the "even ifs" don't change anything.
I wholeheartedly agree.
In the end Dr.
Laura asked the caller if what she really wanted was some form of magic that
would allow the caller "to return to the state of ignorance that she
had enjoyed before she found out that her husband was cheating." The
caller had previously acknowledged that while she suspected that there was
something wrong in the marriage, she really didn't want to look at it too close.
Which is what the phrase "even if" is all about
and it goes like this: Would you still think that I should leave him,
"even if" he went into counseling; stopped seeing her; got a different job; moved to
another state; had a baby; or whatever the "even if" du jour happens to
be. The caller finally admitted that there was some attraction for the state of
ignorant bliss that she had before she found out what he was up to.
When I heard this
exchange it struck a chord in me because I have had the same conversation many
times with prospective clients. I have to admit that each time I hear this
position being advanced, I cringe, because it comes from "very low" self esteem.
The person who says this is willing to stay with a person who is
totally untrustworthy, simply because they feel that they deserve him. What they
want from the professional, be it lawyer or psychotherapist, is for them to
ratify their decision to try and salvage their relationship. If you don't tell
them what they want to hear, they will simply move on to the next professional until
they find one who will lie to them and thereby give them false hope. Doing that
is clearly immoral and unethical.
Dr. Laura asked
the caller if she had truly considered all the ramifications of an affair. She
asked the caller if she had considered all the negative things her husband must
have told to his paramour about the caller "in order to get into her
pants"
She asked the caller "exactly what she thought they talked about while
they laid in bed together after having sex?" Because he
sure as hell isn't laying in bed with her praising your virtues or discussing
his stock portfolio.
While these are
very ugly questions that you have to contemplate, you cannot stop there. You must
really rip the scab off the sore and get to the pestilence that is inside. Not
only is he hurting your pride, he is robbing you and your family of needed
finances to romance the harlot. He is cheating you out of being a husband and
cheating his children of being a father. Ask yourself, what difference would
there be if he left? None, because he won't be there for you or your children. Now that is ugly, and it is the reality of what you
are going to face if you stay.
Think about it for
a minute, let the full impact sink in until you can taste the bile in your
throat. The reality is that he was also diverting needed community resources so that
he could date his "mistress." He was using community funds to wine and dine her. He used these
funds to buy her gifts, pay for motel rooms and trips. All the while you stayed
at home with the kids, worrying about him and how to pay your bills. Yet now you
are worried if you should leave him, which is the wrong question to ask anyway. The real
"even if" questions should be framed like this.
-
Would you want to stay with him, "even if"
you knew that he was using the community funds to wine, dine and romance
her?
-
Would you want to stay with him, "even if"
you knew that he was using the community funds to pay for motel rooms and trips?
-
Would you want to stay with him, "even if"
you knew that he was using the community funds to pay for expensive gifts for
her?
-
Would you want to stay with him, "even if"
you knew that he was using the community funds to pay her bills, while yours
went unpaid?
-
Would you want to stay with him, "even if"
you knew exactly what he said about you to her?
-
Would you want to stay with him, "even if"
you knew that you could never completely trust him again?
-
Would you want to stay with him, "even if"
you knew that his recklessness with his health could have killed you and left
your children without parents?
-
Would you want to stay with him, "even if"
you knew that just because he says that it is over doesn't mean that it really
is?
-
Would you want to stay with him, "even if"
you knew that just because he says that he only saw her for a few months means
absolutely nothing?
-
Would you want to stay with him, "even if"
you knew that just because he says that he will never do it again means
absolutely nothing;
-
Would you want to stay with him, "even if"
you knew that when he gave his wedding vows to you he was lying?
Obviously I could
go on and on, but what would be the point? As far as I am concerned, what
else is there to say? He lied, he cheated, he broke his sacred marriage vows and he
cannot be trusted. He didn't care about your happiness or your health. He
gambled with your marriage and your health because it didn't mean anything to him. He was
looking for a warm place to put it and you damn well know it. So if you
don't get it by now, you never will. The real words
that you must use in analyzing this situation should not be "even if"
, they should be "always"
and "never" and the statements
framed like this:
-
I will "never" know if he is telling the
truth;
-
I will "always" wonder if he is lying;
-
I will "never" begin to get over the hurt until I
leave him.
-
I will "always" see her in his
face;
-
I will "never" trust him
again;
-
I will "always" wonder what they really
did when they were in bed together;
-
I will "never" let him
or anyone else hurt me again;
-
Part of me will "always" hate
him and her.
While it is very
ugly to look at, the very act of looking at it honestly will make you a stronger
person in the long run. If you stay with him it will eat you alive. No matter how
hard you try, you will not be able to keep your mouth quiet about what he did.
You will never look at him the same way ever again. The intimacy will fade, and the hatred will grow. If he is a serial cheater,
then this is only the beginning. You should use your head as well as your heart
in analyzing this situation and then get out.
The term "if
only" is a different animal and is used in several contexts, none of
which are beneficial. I have heard clients use the term this way.
"If only" he would quit drinking everything would be alright.
"If only" he would find that job he wants. "If
only" his boss would get off his back, maybe he would treat the
children and me better.
Another way I have
heard the term used is like this: "If only" I could please
him more by not nagging him to quit drinking. "If only" I
could please him more by not complaining that we don't have any money for the
bills. "If only" my butt was smaller or my breasts bigger,
then he would really love me. The list is endless.
"If only"
are not action words, they are words of wishful thinking. They
require nothing of anyone. They only express a desire that will probably never
be fulfilled. You can use the term to demonstrate the absolute uselessness
of the term. For example: "If only" you would get off
your butt and quit indulging in wishful thinking, then maybe you could turn your life
around. Hey, what a concept.
Are you still unconvinced at the
hopelessness of this scenario, then contemplate this little tale. A while
back I received a call from a prospective client who related the following story
to me. If this doesn't make you indulgers in lost causes pause and think about
what you are doing, then nothing will. In any event, she had just come from the
doctor's office where she gave a blood sample to be tested for HIV and AIDS. It
seems that her husband, who periodically donated blood had received a letter
from the agency that collected the blood, that his last donation tested positive
for the HIV virus.
Evidently he had
received this letter some seven or eight months earlier, but had conveniently neglected to
tell her about it. During the ensuing months they had engaged in unprotected sex
as usual. Since they already had one child and it was medically very
unlikely that she could get pregnant, she never saw any need for protection.
After all they had been married for over 16 years. She discovered the
letter when she was filing some of her husband's medical papers from the
insurance company. When she read the letter she was hysterical. She wanted to
know if she had the AIDS virus. So she confronted him. Despite the fact
that she works in the medical field, he was totally unconcerned. He didn't
understand what she was getting all excited for. He never fooled around, so he
couldn't have AIDS or HIV. She forced him to go get tested with her, which he
reluctantly did.
While waiting for
the results of the test she was frantic. Suddenly she remembered his trips alone
to Mexico to go "fishing" with his friends. The
unexplained large sums of money that were unaccounted for. The stories about his
preference for sex with underage boys and homosexual men, while
"fishing." The parties that he arranged for his friends to
which she was never invited. Not to mention that on those occasions, he never
came home allegedly because he was too drunk to drive.
She was really frightened. What would she do if she
had AIDS? What if she died? Who would raise her daughter? The hours must have
seemed like days, the days like months while she waited for the results. Finally
they came. She was negative and surprise, so was he. Just a big mistake, right?
Not necessarily. She will have to be continually tested for quite some time,
before she will be able to feel better. The same goes for him. We still
don't know why the test came out the way it did.
Want to know the
kicker? She took him back just a couple of months later. It lasted for about a
year and just last month she came back and wanted me to finish her divorce. She
finally came to her senses. She was very lucky, some people are not so lucky and
they die. What you should take from this case is the following:
-
He didn't care:
-
He thinks that the results proves that he did nothing wrong;
-
She didn't pay attention to danger signs;
-
She could have died because of his reckless sexual practices;
-
She did nothing about his activities, despite the fact that
she knew that all was not well;
-
She was extremely lucky to be alive;
-
She finally had enough of him;
-
He is a child molester and a sexual predator.
This is a true
story, I didn't make it up. I sincerely hope
that each of you "hope-aholics" give this story some thought, because but for
the grace of God, they both could be dead and their daughter an orphan.
She lived in a state of denial and he lived a reckless life pushing the envelope
for sexual thrills with no thought for his wife and daughter. This was not a marriage, it was a sham, yet she tried to
hang on to it as if it was the real thing. She's lucky to be alive. What about
you? Will you be that lucky?
In conclusion, from an attorney's point of view people
who engage in these sorts of delusional thinking present a very difficult case.
They need therapy by a very competent therapist to help them through the crisis
and get them back of the right path. Unfortunately, too many of these people are
so desperate to continue their fantasy life, that they are only interested
in finding a professional who will help them do it. More often than not, when
confronted by the truth they leave and go somewhere else. It's as if they
want someone to lie to them, in spite of the little voice in their heads that
tells them what the truth is. In many cases this is a very unfortunate situation
because they can lose many important rights by wasting their time with
delusional fantasies. As we have seen, they have more at stake than just
money.
In this day of
advances in science and technology you now have resources available to help you
discover the truth if you really want to know the truth and are prepared to pay
for it. There are private investigators, web investigators, camcorders and
cameras, tape recorders and other high tech gadgets that would make James Bond
drool. But none of these things can make you believe the truth if you don't want
to see it. The reason for this is simple, "There is no fortress as
secure as a closed mind." Until you are willing to accept the
truth, none of these things will make a difference to you.
When you are ready
there are even more sophisticated methods of self-help available to help you
confirm your worst nightmares or put them to rest. You can find many
websites devoted to helping you deal with this issue. They can give you
information regarding the symptoms of infidelity and the statistics. There is
even a test kit available which will allow you to test articles of clothing or
other stained objects for the presence of semen. I didn't provide direct
links to those sites, mainly because I don't think that many people who suspect
their mate of infidelity are equipped emotionally to deal with results that
could confirm their worst nightmares.
None of these
gadgets, are one hundred percent foolproof. For that reason, someone who is not
properly trained to interpret the meaning of the results could set themselves up
for a very nasty and dangerous confrontation. There is a new show on television
that chronicles private detectives as they conduct surveillance on
people that their "clients" suspect of cheating. In almost every case
where cheating is verified, there is a violent physical confrontation between
the parties and/or their paramours. It is a very dangerous situation, which I
believe should only be done by professionals who are capable of controlling the
situation and properly interpreting the information. Besides if you know
the truth, why would you want to confront the lying skunk anyway? Don't you know
all that you need to know?
I believe that
most of you already know the truth in your hearts. If you are content with the
situation and don't care, click off
this site and forget about it. I have discussed this situation with several
psychologists, and they told me that in most cases this level of investigation
is probably counter-productive to your emotional wellbeing. The reason for this
is simple, unless you are ready to know the truth and take actions, you may not
be prepared to deal with the truth. It's one thing to
merely wonder, it's quite another to have all doubt removed. Being confronted
with reality is very sobering and not for everyone. Of course, it could
also be the beginning of a new life for you also. It all depends on how you use
what you learn. If you need help, we are there for you. Give us a call.
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