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In Memory of 09-11-01

Lest We Forget

ARTICLE FOR June 2008: 

        The article for this month is about the latest California Supreme Court Decision authorizing Gay marriages in the State of California. I realize that there is about to be a firestorm of political backlash to the Supreme Court's decision, but win, lose or draw at some point in time Gay marriages are going to become the  law of the land. The Los Angeles Times cites a study done recently that clearly indicates that we are going to have Gay marriages in California eventually. That is because there is a change in attitudes in the people that live in California to Gay marriages. The unfortunate truth is that while there is change, it is slow in coming and may not arrive in time to affect the outcome of the election in November.  It is not my intention to be for or against Gay marriages, instead I am merely going to discuss some of the practical problems that Gay marriage is going to bring to those Gays who decide to actually get married.

        On June 2, 2008, the Los Angeles Times had an article written by Alana Semuels on how Gay marriage was going to bring prosperity to the state of California. According to the article it is estimated that Gays will bring an estimated $370 million dollars  to the California economy during the next three years. "The estimate presumes that about half of California's same-sex couples will tie the knot, multiplied by $8,040.00, the amount of money from savings accounts that Badgett figures that same-sex couples will use on their weddings." The article continues on by stating that "There are, of course, some caveats. No one can accurately project how many Gay couples will spend thousands on weddings. And the legality of Gay weddings is potentially short-lived, as officials verify petition signatures  for a proposed Nov. 4 ballot initiative that would prohibit same-sex marriage." it may come as no surprise that the ballot initiative has qualified for the November 4 ballot. It is my understanding that if the vote was held today, it would pass overwhelmingly. We will have to wait and see if the Gay community can make a cogent argument that will resonate with voters.

        In the mean time, all that every one of the pundits is talking about is how much benefit is going to accrue to the state of California. Nowhere is the downside mentioned, so one would imagine that doing this is all upside and no downside. Not true. Let me bring to you attention some of the downsides that Gay marriage will bring to Gays.

WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

        Welcome to the litigious world that I am a part of. Up until now most of my practice has been centered around dissolving the marriages  of so-called straight people. Do not kid yourself, along with the right to marry comes the corollary right to dissolve your marriage. For right now, it is the happy time; the big wedding; the dressing up; the parties and the honeymoon. Soon thereafter, for some of you, will come the anger, the threats,  and the break up. Then you will be invited into my world, to legally dissolve your marriage just like straights do, if you live in the state of California that is. If you do not, then you are pretty much on your own. You will fight over the pots and pans, make charges and counter-charges of infidelity and allegations of copious abuse that you suffered at the hands of your partner. You will also have the right to spend between $10,000.00 and $50,000.00 or more on legal fees. Do you think that I am kidding? Well it is sad to say that I am not. That is the part of this decision that hasn't been discussed as of yet. So what do you say that we discuss it now.

        Many of you will have children that will become the objects of your break up. Who will raise the children? Who will get the custody and who will have the visitation rights? This will bring to many of you who are celebrating now, a sad dose of reality so soon after the wedding, because everything that straights heap upon their children, Gays will  also heap on their children. Won't that be fun?  I don't mean to demean  the rights of Gays to marry, but I do mean to bring to your attention the fact that you will be subject to everything that straight couples have to face. Which is something that I think should give you the same need to pause and not make any hurried decisions that a straight couple should give to their decision to marry.

        You need to protect yourself, from a bad decision and many of you will marry bad partners. In a rush to exercise your new found right, many of you will make the same poor choices that straight couples make. In the straight world a full fifty per-cent of the marriages end in divorce within 2 years. There is no reason to believe that the same things won't happen to Gays that happen to straights. No matter if you have been with the same partner 20 years, marriage changes the way people act with each other, sometimes for the good and, sometimes for the bad. I know that many of you will scoff at my warning, but time will prove me right. You have to consider that Gays and straights are basically alike; they are people. And people are basically wired alike, there may be some differences, but there are actually more similarities than differences.

        What to do about this problem you ask? Well, the answers are the same for Gays or straights. First, really know who you are dealing with. Take the time to really get to know that person. Dating is like a job interview, it allows you the time to interview the person and decide whether or not you really want them to be your spouse. Whether or not you have been together  for years or months matters not. You need to really have a personal inventory of what your beau is really like. Are they abusive, bossy, self-absorbed, or are they kind, considerate and loving. Only time will give you the answers to those questions, so it is incumbent on you to take the time to find out whether you are getting married because; you are really a good match or are you getting married because everyone else is. So that being said, you need to take time to discover what you really think about that question.

        Second are you financially compatible? Does your partner work? Well you had better find out. Because once you get married, you will take your partner for better or worse; in sickness or in health; for richer or poorer. Which translates into you paying spousal support to keep your partner in the style that he or she has become accustomed to. You will have to face the reality that if you marry and then have a falling out, then you will face everything that straight couples face, including spousal support. In addition, if you have children, you will have to pay child support, just like your straight friends do. Won't that be an  exciting thought. Don't get me wrong, if you both agree that getting married is for you and you are aware of the pitfalls of marriage, then by all means get married. But what if you are in an unequal financial position regarding your proposed partner?  Then you had better give your decision a great deal of thought, because you are not on equal footing with your partner.

        Third, what does that mean to me? Well it means that you are not in an equal position with your partner.  This situation makes you vulnerable to the economic pressure that they can bring to bear on you. They can hire better lawyers, litigate you longer, play dirtier than you can. You cannot count on the fact that they may have loved you to save you, because it won't. Once the fire goes out, then you become a liability that must be shed. These are things that most Gay persons have not had to worry about, but they will now that they can get married. If you think that the Courts will save you think again. The Court will apply the same laws that they apply to straight couples and if you know many divorced straight couples, you know how unfair that can be.

        Imagine the financial mess that you can make of your lives now that you can be married. Before marriage if you comingled your stuff and money, you just took your stuff and money and went home. But now you can have as much fun as straights do, litigating who owns what. Won't that be fun? I don't think so. which brings me to the point of this article. Pre-nuptial agreements. Since it is anybody's guess what will happen if you marry and the voters revoke you marriage, you need protection. And the best protection that is available now is a prenuptial agreement. First off, it is not romantic. It isn't a feel good part of your wedding, nor is it sexy, but is certainly is practical. Which is why you should consider having one. It has the benefit of leveling the playing field. Which is beneficial no matter whether or not your right to marry is passed into law by the voters or not.

        The next thing that you should think about, especially if you are from another state, is whether or not your marriage will be recognized in your home state. Chances are very good that it will not be recognized, with the exception of Massachusetts or New York. You should also give some thought, to what you will do if you marriage doesn't work out. Most of the states do not have a mechanism in place that allows Gays to divorce. The California Supreme Court really screwed up by not providing a residency requirement for anyone who wants to marry in the State of California. Contrast that with the fact that in order to file for divorce in California, you have to be a resident of the state of California for six months. The difference is incongruent, because they should have made the residency requirement similar for marriage and divorce, but they didn't. It makes you wonder why they didn't.  Could it be that they were so concerned with establishing Gay marriage that they forgot to do that one little thing. Who can say?

        There is a movement under foot backed by the Gay community, that advocates against Gays filing lawsuits against the federal or state governments. They have a very good reason for advocating this, and that is that too many suits will lead to too many different results. Many of the Gay advocates correctly discern that most of the state lawsuits will not be favorable to their position. By waiting and planning their lawsuits, they intend to present them only at jurisdictions that are likely favorable or sympathetic to their causes. This makes absolute sense to me and I must commend them on thinking this through. Unfortunately, I think that they will find it difficult to prevent someone from filing an appeal, because of the publicity that will bring to the first lawyer that files one. One also has to understand that the more militant Gays will be harder to control. Taken together, it will be extremely hard to control the filing or prosecution of appeals. This in turn,  will lead to incongruent decisions which will fall all over the landscape. Trying to reconcile these decisions will also be fun.

        Another reason to avoid making a big deal, if you decide to get married is that it may have negative consequences especially if one of the members is an illegal alien. This will be true whether or not you are Gay or not. Coming out and declaring that you are married will not prevent extradition to your home country. The reason for this is simple, the federal government doesn't recognize Gay marriage. Since even straight couples have difficulty getting the illegal alien spouse legal residency, it would be simply impossible for a Gay couple. This is something that Gay couples especially have to give a great deal of thought to.

        One last reason not to get married can be found if you are in the military. The military operates under the "Don't ask, don't tell"  doctrine. which means that as long as no one finds out that you are gay, you can remain in the service, if they find out that you are Gay, then you have to leave the military. The negative impact of that doctrine is obvious. Which means that gays who are in the military should pay particular attention to this problem, especially if they intend to make the military their career.

        Another tactic that some Gays advocate is the idea that if a lot of Gay couples marry, it will be harder for the Courts to overturn Gay marriage. That is simply not true, first off, you have to take stock of the concept that a majority of voting people are currently against Gay couples marrying. Enough people are opposed to it that it is very unlikely that the Gays will find it easy to overturn a ban on Gay marriage.  Second, another factor that Gays will have to face is that they are a minority, a small minority at that. Not large enough a minority that they will likely gain much support outside of Hollywood and the liberal left. Besides the demographics militate against even one hundred thousand people getting marred. I believe that when the statistics are tabulated, it will show that no where near that many actually get married. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the facts are the facts. And it is a fact that if an election was held today, a ban on Gay marriage would overwhelmingly pass the electorate muster. You have to face the reality of the facts as they are, and not as you wish they were. Maybe things will change between now and November, but I doubt it.

        Besides that, many Gays are simply not in favor of Gay marriages. It is not a universal truth that all Gays favor marriage. Many do, but many don't, and for many reasons. The main reason for not being in favor of marriage seems to be financial.  Many couples do not want to be legally tied to one another. Another is the the hypocrisy that many Gays have with the institution of marriage, in that they equate the Gay lifestyle with sexual freedom and view marriage as a sexist institution that is not favorable to women. The truth of either position is debatable, as it is more a political football rather than a true tenet of life. It certainly points out the problem with Gays getting married in haste and then being disappointed with their decision later on.

        In the heat of the moment, most straight and Gay couples do not think about the financial or legal ramifications brought on by marriage. If they did, they would sign more pre-nuptial agreements. But they don't. After they marry, their situation changes and the rights and liabilities become  different for them than when they were single. Where before they could  just pack their bags and leave without any consequences, now they cannot. Half of everything that they accumulate together  during the marriage, belongs to their partner. The same as it is for straight couples. The problem  is just worsened if they are not California residents, but reside in other states. Some states are hard core against Gay marriage, and they will not recognize marriages from Massachusetts or California. Couple this with the likelihood that the voters will have the last say on the issue and you have really accomplished nothing.

        On the other hand if marriage is your thing and you undertake it with eyes wide open, then my advice is to execute a pre-nuptial agreement as part of the wedding preparations. Do not put it off. If you intend to marry, then a pre-nuptial agreement is a necessity, whether you are straight or Gay.  What is a pre-nuptial  you ask? A pre-nuptial agreement is a contract between two people that set forth their respective rights and liabilities to each other. You can pick and choose which laws will apply to your marriage and which ones won't. Which is a very important thing to have, especially when the two of you are not on the same financial footing. While a pre-nuptial agreement can cost you several thousands dollars, that is nothing compared with what a divorce will cost you.  " No pre-nuptial, no marriage" should be your battle cry. if you doubt my recommendation, then ignore my warnings and do without it, AT YOUR OWN PERIL.  But don't cry to me if you find out that you should have negotiated one.

        There is one exception I believe bears mentioning that will affect your decision to marry or join in a Domestic Partnership. If you or your partner is HIV positive or has AIDS, then I do not recommend that you either marry or join in a domestic partnership.  To do either would subject your partner to unbelievable and catastrophic financial harm from such a decision. There is nothing to be gained from such a decision and everything to lose, so take my advice and do not even contemplate such an act let alone actually commit one. If you really care for your partner, then do the right thing. Saddling them with your catastrophic medical bills will not prove how much you care for your partner. It will only show how selfish and stupid you are, so don't do it.

        My office has provided confidential Family Law Services to both Gay and straight couples for over thirty years, we are available to answer your Family Law questions concerning your rights and liabilities at any time. E-mail us at Ajr@anthonyjrobinson.com or call us at (626) 797-5001.

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